Poor Fred Smoot.

Actually, I'm not even worried about Fred Smoot. Fred Smoot will get through this like only Fred Smoot can. But that car? That poor car.

I've seen this car, a white 2007 Rolls Royce Phantom, much like the one in this picture, hanging around either our valet station, or in front of the trendy hipster lounge/bar across the street on more than a handful of occasions in the past few months. Fred Smoot know how to roll, apparently.

I've never seen the man himself, but I was afforded the opportunity to drive his car--all of 10 ft, mind you--after he stopped in late one weekend night about a month ago. This whole procedure took me a total of 10 minutes, as I had trouble not only finding the ignition, but also starting the damn car, putting it into drive, putting it back in park, and then exiting the vehicle. Pretty much everything one does in order to drive a car, I could not figure out how to do. I know the car is supposed to be high-class, and presumably fast, but I definitely wasn't about to break any land speed records traveling at 1 foot per minute, that's for sure.

The coolest part? The hood ornament retracts back into the hood like Costanza's penis after he's been in the water. So cool. I can't imagine it would last long in downtown Minneapolis, either, what with all the random people walking around with nothing to do. Hell, even I can't say that I wouldn't steal it.

So, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like everyone to take a moment of silence for Fred Smoot's once beautiful, now almost totaled, $400,000 car. We hardly knew ye.

Amen.